Me: It’s chilly out there!
Customer: Yeah, it makes me cold.
Customer: Mom? MOM! I fucking got the restraining order AND full custody. Mom?? *entering the store while Mom is on aisle 7*
Customer: Do you know when you guys are going to have [insert item here] on sale next?
Me: Nope! (and I wouldn’t tell you anyway. What makes you think I would tell you? Wait for the sale signs like everyone else)
Customer: This is supposed to be $2 off.
Me: That is with the rewards card! Would you like to punch in your phone number to get you going with some savings today?
Customer: Ugh. Can’t you just type in your phone number for the discount price?
Me: (fuck you. it takes 60 seconds. type in your god damn phone number or don’t buy the candy.) Nope! But we can sign you up for a card of your own right now if you’d like!
Me: Hey there! Would you like to add some chocolate with your purchase? They are all 59 cents just for you!
Customer buying two cartons of cigarettes: Heck no. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.
Knife fight in the parking lot.
Customer: Do you carry the nice candy?
Me: The… nice candy? What kind?
Customer: The nice kind.
Me: The Nice brand??? Yes. That is our brand.
Customer: So you carry it?
Me: Hello, hello! Would you like to mix and match any three of our chocolate bars for just $2 today?
Customer: I’m diabetic. What’re you trying to do?
Customer: Can you tell me where the cards are?
Me: Yup! What kind of cards today?
Me: Playing cards?
Me: Greeting cards?
Me: You’re standing in the Hallmark aisle.
Drunk man passed out in the parking lot.
Me: Do you have a rewards card with us?
Me: (I am currently bagging your groceries; my finger is no where NEAR a pinpad. Did I ask you for your phone number? What makes you think I can reproduce the phone number that you just spit at me at lightning speed?) Alright, I’m going to have you type that in over here on the pinpad.
Me: Annnnnd I know you saw my chocolate sale over here! Would you like to take home any candy this evening?
Customer: I’m a grown ass man. I don’t eat candy.
What is this lipstick doing in the Hershey’s box?
Customer: You know what, hun? My husband, hun, he doesn’t treat be the best, hun, but I think I’ll surprise him with his favorite cigarettes today, hun. Cause you know why sweetie? That’s what love is.
And this is my life.
Oh yeah, I go to graduate school sometimes too.
Just kill me with your beauty. I will make this a reality someday, somehow…
Today, a professor reminded us that if a pedestrian steps out onto a crosswalk drivers must legally stop for them.
And all I can think is: Yeah, but if there is no crosswalk/intersection, stay the fuck on the sidewalk!
This town is ridiculous! Super pedestrian friendly. Too pedestrian friendly. I just want to run over people. And play bumper cars. Because apparently everyone in Oregon is too scared to go 45.